When Pleasing People Costs You
Learning to Rest in Being Beloved
People-pleasing often looks like kindness.
It sounds like generosity.
It feels like love.
And sometimes it is.
But often—quietly—it is something else.
Not service flowing from fullness,
but approval-seeking flowing from fear.
Not love given freely,
but worth being negotiated.
We don’t just want people to be happy.
We want to be safe.
Seen.
Chosen.
Loved.
The Deeper Desire Beneath the Behavior
At its core, people-pleasing is rarely about others.
It is about a longing in us.
A longing to be accepted.
Affirmed.
Approved of.
To finally feel secure in relationship.
Scripture names this longing without shaming it:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love.” — Jeremiah 31:3
We were made for love.
So when love feels uncertain, we reach for control—
and often call it kindness.
When Giving Leaves Us Empty
The tragedy is not that we tried to love.
It’s that we tried to earn what was never meant to be earned.
And when the recognition doesn’t come,
when our effort isn’t understood or returned,
we turn inward.
Why did I do that?
Why do I always overgive?
Why didn’t I know better?
Instead of compassion, we offer ourselves contempt.
But shame never heals a hungry heart.
A Better Place to Stand
Hope begins when we stop asking,
“Who do I need to be for others?”
and begin asking,
“Who does God say I already am?”
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God.” 1 John 3:1
Beloved is not a reward.
It is a starting place.
From there, service becomes free.
Boundaries become possible.
And love no longer costs us our soul.
Learning to Forgive Ourselves
We don’t heal people-pleasing by trying harder.
We heal it by receiving love more deeply.
Including love for ourselves.
The same grace we extend outward
must finally be allowed inward.
Not condemnation for what we knew better than to do—
but mercy for the places we were still learning.
You are not foolish.You were hungry for love.
And Love is here and now.
Reflection
Where have I been giving in order to feel safe or valued?
What would it look like to receive God’s love before offering myself to others?
Where might self-forgiveness be the next step toward freedom?
Prayer